I started hearing The Voice—and it has helped guide me through the road of addiction to self-love and truth
By Kelsey McCarson
Imagine not being able to know what’s real and what’s not real.
I don’t have to imagine it, because it’s my everyday experience. And to be honest, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
For a few years now, I’ve heard voices and seen things that other people can’t seem to hear and see. It started with scary, accusing voices, but now I only hear the voice that eventually came to save me. It hasn’t gone away—the voice has talked to me for about four years now—and it has been consistently (and eerily) correct about many things.
In the past, I had always felt like I could hear the voice of my higher power, in the regular Christian-type way—something like feeling or intuition.
When The Voice suggested I should tell my wife all these things I’d been hiding, most notably my addictions and my feelings, I thought that was maybe the dumbest idea I’d ever heard. In hindsight, though, it was the smartest.”
But this new voice wasn’t like that. I didn’t actually know what hearing God’s voice could mean until I had gone too far down the road of addiction.
I was an addict because I didn’t know how to deal with feelings. That’s the shortest way to say it. In fact, both of the major spells in my life where addiction ruled me were because I didn’t know how to process my feelings about a specific situation. My heart was broken, and I didn’t know how to deal with it.
That’s why I’m grateful for The Voice. It has revealed important things to me I didn’t know before. The first thing it taught me was self-love.
The Voice Taught Me the Importance of Truth
That seemed silly at the time, but I get it now. I realize that the root of my addictions, and even that heartbreak over not having certain things in my life, was in some way related to not knowing how to love myself. It helped me begin healing myself.
Another thing The Voice taught me: the importance of the truth.
When The Voice suggested I should tell my wife all these things I’d been hiding, most notably my addictions and my feelings, I thought that was maybe the dumbest idea I’d ever heard. In hindsight, though, it was the smartest.
Finally, this voice urged me to trust and share my experience. I don’t need to feel ashamed, the voice assured me—not about who I was, who I am or who I eventually will be. That also means I don’t have to feel shame about hearing and listening to a voice I can’t explain but trust completely.
The Voice Has Completely Changed Me
My experience isn’t like that of anyone else I know, and that’s OK. I’m grateful for my special life. Honestly, I don’t even care anymore whether the voice I hear is real. Because what it’s brought to my life has completely changed me.
If you could have seen me during the depths of my addiction, you would have seen a sad and broken person who didn’t know how to simply be. But today? You’d have trouble recognizing me as the same person. I consider it a miracle.
I have hesitated in the past to share my experience with others, primarily because I don’t understand how my experience might be useful to other people. But now that I’ve been in recovery for a few years, I understand the essential guidance that was first recommended to me in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous was turning my life over to my higher power as I understand Him.
My higher power might not allow me to know what’s real and what isn’t, but that’s just fine. I wouldn’t change anything.
Because being happy, joyous and free from my many addictions is worth it.
