Lynn W. discusses the miracle of sobriety and watching her family heal around her
By Lynn W.December 3, 2020
For as long as I can remember, I never felt like I was part of it—of something, of anything. I always felt “less than,” lonely and different. I envied others who seemed to get “it.”
When I was 15, I had my first drink, and I remember that the feeling of being different, less than, and lonely slipped away.
Although I got sick and felt horrible the next day, I couldn’t wait to do it again and feel part of something. Drinking was the enhancement I had been searching for. It made me interesting, outgoing and funny—until it didn’t.
I worked my way up the professional ladder in media and magazine publishing. I had arrived at what I felt like was my childhood dream: a stable job, two exceptional children and a wonderful husband. However, my career was an alcoholic’s dream—or maybe nightmare. A big part of my job was to develop relationships and entertain clients. That meant a lot of wine-ing and dining—emphasis on wine-ing.
Toward the end, my heavy drinking led to severe consequences: missing meetings, calling in sick…you know the drill. I loved my career and my life—but when my husband had the opportunity to move to a different state for his job, I was relieved. Like a good alcoholic, I thought a geographic change would cure me.
Finally, I hit my bottom. My sponsor fired me. I was scared enough to realize I was a full-blown alcoholic and needed help.”
For the next few years, I was blind to the fact that alcohol continued to dictate my life, alienating me from my children, husband, family and friends. I isolated myself and began drinking at home alone, knowing I couldn’t keep it together if I went out drinking with friends.
I tried AA and compared myself out of it, relapsing many times. Every day I lost hope of getting better and fell into the cycle of alcohol remedying the situation—only to wake up the next day, feel deep shame…and start the process over again.
It was seemingly endless.
Finally, I hit my bottom. My sponsor fired me. I was scared enough to realize I was a full-blown alcoholic and needed help. I found a new sponsor who encouraged me to go to rehab. When I asked her who would take care of my kids when I was gone, she asked me how I was doing at that in my current state. Right. I called that night and was admitted two days later.
Twelve years later, looking back at my journey, it was hope and desire for healing that saved me.
Today I am part of the AA fellowship. I feel part of something bigger than me. I feel surrounded by caring, compassionate people who embrace my differences and celebrate them. My reward for this journey is watching my kids grow and heal every day. I never thought I would say this, but 12 years into sobriety, I am a grateful alcoholic.
Sobriety is a miraculous gift. Don’t give up before the miracle happens.